Graphic Content: Introduction & Why You Should Go See The Dark Knight Rises With No Fear.

Introduction:

I couldn’t read until I was in the second grade I think. That’s how old? Six? Seven? I might be over shooting it but I was not a kid who was reading at age 2 and solving math equations at 3. I wasn’t stupid, I was just a slow learner. That isn’t the case anymore, but I look back on my history with literature and find it somewhat unbelievable that once I didn’t like to or even couldn’t read. Because these days I love reading. I read every single day and have anywhere from 3-5 books on me wherever I go and am constantly acquiring new ones. The genesis of becoming someone to whom the consumption of literature is akin to breathing isn’t something that happened overnight though, it happened gradually over time, but it started somewhere deceptively simple: Comic Books.

I’d venture a guess that if it weren’t for Spider-Man, not only would I not be the geek I am today, but I also wouldn’t have developed a love for reading as mush as I have now. I am a visual learner in the sense that I can process and understand things I see faster than things I read. Because of this, comics and graphic novels were the perfect storytelling medium for me to latch onto as a kid. Today I read books of all shapes, sizes, subjects and mediums, but Graphic Novels continue to make up a sizable portion of my reading list. There are people who would try to argue that Graphic Novels and Comic Books are just kid stuff, but that argument went out the validity window in the 80’s with the publication of Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns. Compound those mainstream publications with underground comics guru Art Spiegelman’s biographical comic Maus, which was published just over a decade from 1980 to 1991, Graphic Novels have long since stopped being simply “funny pages.”

But those books are far from the only Comics worthy of your time and respect. I’ve been reading Comics for almost as long as I have been able to read and there are entire universes out there waiting to be explored, but are often overlooked because of any number of short-sighted reasons. So, of course, I have an agenda. That agenda is, as always, to talk about things:  comics I think are good and would recommend, characters I like, obvious stuff like Rob Liefeld’s pact with Mephisto and why Mark Millar is a giant tool, why you should go see the upcoming Dark Knight Rises (even though the main villain is Bane).  Also, the aforementioned problems with the Comic Book industry and why those problems are no better or worse than any other print or media industry, what’s out there besides the universally prevalent Superhero stories, and who my favorite writers are and why. If it is comic book, graphic novel or sequential art related, I will be talking about it here. Welcome, Thrill-Seekers to GRAPHIC CONTENT.

Actually, I will make one of these easy on you.

Why you should go see Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight Rises Even Though The Main Villain Is The Almost Comical Bane.

As everyone with some kind of pop culture radar is aware, Christopher Nolan’s final chapter in his Batman trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises, hits theaters July 20th and I am, well, I’m stupidly excited. With The Avengers film just having come out recently and everyone and their mother telling me about how it is the greatest thing since Nutella was applied to sliced bread, it is going to be an interesting summer for Superhero films, especially considering that people are calling The Avengers possibly the greatest Superhero film ever made. I can’t speak to that, I haven’t seen it yet and frankly, I don’t give a rip about The Avengers themselves, considering I all but entirely gave up on Marvel back when the House Of M crossover occurred. And I don’t think Joss Whedon is the second coming of Christ (save the hate mail, he’s not bad. Just not my favorite). So I’ll get to it. Eventually. But a part of me is wondering if I should wait to see it until after TDKR comes out. That probably won’t be the case, but it does make me wonder if it would change my experience to see them in the opposite order, even though they are unrelated. But I’m off topic.

There are a myriad of factors that make The Dark Knight Rises an exciting proposition for me. Largely because  it is the end of the story that started in Batman Begins and not just the next chapter, which implies that everything is on the line and not everybody is going to walk away from this one unscathed. I don’t know the entirety of the story of course, but I do know the minor details that have been revealed ahead of time and also seen the trailer. If nothing else it looks amazing. But there is one detail that seems to worry everyone I talk to, and that detail is Bane. Batman is more than just Superhero. He is cultural icon. Even people who don’t read comics know who he is, his story, who his major villains are and have seen his movies. While those of us who actually do read the comics and care about the character on a more personal level have a greater stake in this, everyone wants this movie to be good, even if they only care about the character on a superficial level. Hence the concern from many parties regarding Bane.

Bane is a villain with a difficult history within Batman lore and franchise. A tactical genius with superhuman strength derived from a fictional steroid called Venom, he is notable for being the villain to come closest to actually killing Batman, and did succeed in crippling him. Bane’s original and most famous appearance was during the early 90’s in a story called Knightfall in which Bane, having previously deduced Batman’s identity as Bruce Wayne, destroys Arkham Asylum and unleashes all of Batman’s major villains, forces him to deal with them all in rapid succession, and then steps in to take down Batman himself. In the final battle of the story arch, Bane broke Batman’s back and proceeded to take over Gotham’s criminal empires with no one to stop him. He was eventually defeated by Azreal, one of Batman’s protégés.

Batman has long since recovered and Bane has appeared in other stories, but since Knightfall he’s been plagued with troubles. And for good reason. Bane is a product of the early 90’s era of comics, when people were still trying to understand why and how Alan Moore’s Watchmen and Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns had affected the industry. Both of these stories were extremely innovative for different reason, but a common factor between them was that they were both substantially darker and “grittier” (a word that has plagued comics since), than previous Superhero tales had been. This was the element that the comics industry latched onto first, and for much of the early to mid 90’s it was assumed that stories, Superhero stories especially, had to be darker and more violent to be more compelling. Bane was an unforgiving and brutal Supervillain that was truly unlike any foe that Batman had previously faced, in that he possessed both strategic intellect and incredible strength. He was intended to be the perfect foe for Batman to face in a “darker,” “grittier” setting. And in that, he succeeded… Kind of. While I personally enjoy the majority of Knightfall, lots of people I have met really dislike the storyline and point to it as a low point in Batman’s history, not precisely because of the back-break, but because Bane seemed like such an absurd villain. Being of South American descent and wearing what many people initially read as a luchador mask, compounded with a gigantic, almost comically (ha) muscular physique, Bane is often regarded as one of the more ridiculous Supervillains from his era. The fact that he bears a similar color scheme to Todd McFarlane characters Venom and Spawn have led many to believe that he too is one of his early 90’s creations, further sullying his reputation.

Since The Dark Age Of Comics has ended, not many writers seem to know what to do with Bane. As previously mentioned, he has made appearances in a number of different stories, but having the stigma of being “the man who broke the bat” makes him a bit one-dimensional in the hands of many writers. This is a shame, considering that he is set up to be a more versatile character. His back story is fairly compelling, he is full of muscle but has the intelligence to know how to use it effectively, and he knows Batman’s identity, making him arguably more dangerous to Batman personally than even the Joker. But usually he’s just big angry muscle, and his played-for-laughs-to-the-point-of-stupidity appearance in the Batman And Robin movie hasn’t helped in the slightest. Actually, though I haven’t had the chance to read it yet, my understanding is that Gail Simone used him to great effect in her Secret Six comic, but part of that was her understanding of him as a slightly ludicrous character. So effective, but not menacing in the slightest.

Understanding all of this, it is easy to see why people have been a little bit concerned about him being the primary antagonist in The Dark Knight Rises. The character, in the wrong hands, is rife with problems and can be just too silly. I am going to state for the record that I am of the conviction that, in the case of TDKR, these fears of a lackluster villain will be totally unfounded. Here’s why: He is played by Tom Hardy.

This will not a comical take on Bane. This will not an over-the-top, grim and gritty, early 90’s luchador on steroids take either. This will be something entirely new, and he will be portrayed by Tom Hardy, who is, I will hazard, the perfect person to play him. It has come to my attention recently that Tom Hardy is one of those actors who is of near Daniel Day-Lewis level of acting skill: he can simply disappear into a role and become someone different. If you have never heard of a film called Bronson, I suggest you drop whatever you are doing and go watch it right now. It is one of the best movies I have seen all year and it features Tom Hardy as the titular character, the “most dangerous man in the british prison system.” The film is based on true events and it is a tour-de-force for everyone involved, but Tom Hardy is the star of the show and he delivers a enrapturing performance as a man who knows no way to communicate with the rest of the world except through violence. He does not look like himself. He looks terrifying.

If the TDKR’s trailers and Tom Hardy’s previous role in Bronson are any indication, Bane is going to be breaking people left, right and center. And like the real life Bronson, Bane is a character who best communicates through violence. But he is also supposed to be brilliant, cunning and dangerous even without lifting his fists. Unlike the Venom-enhanced Bane of the comics, the version presented in TDKR wears a mask that constantly pumps anesthetic into his system, numbing him to pain and making him all but unstoppable. He also comes off visually as something that he hasn’t ever truly been before: menacing. Considering the skill and care that Christopher Nolan applied to both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, I would be flummoxed if this movie was anything less than spectacular. I think it even has the potential to be better than The Dark Knight, and I know I’m the odd man out in that belief, but it stands that in Nolan’s hands the Joker became even more unhinged and frightening than he had been thought possible of being.  I am certain that this time Bane will get what he always deserved: to be feared.

My reservations in Bane as the film’s villain have long-since evaporated, but if you still worry I highly recommend you watch Tom Hardy in Bronson (trailer for which has been included at the bottom of this post).  You will not be disappointed. Christopher Nolan’s Batman story has not faltered yet and contains a rare instance in which the sequel chapter may be better than the original (and if not better then certainly on par). If I watch The Dark Knight Rises and am greatly dissatisfied then I will eat my hat. If I watch The Avengers and find it is a better film than TDKR, then I will acknowledge that everyone who has been telling me that it’s the greatest Superhero film ever was right and buy you all a drink (you know who you are). But I doubt either of those things will happen. In fact, I’m sure they won’t.

We Call Upon the Author I: In Which I Do My Best To Explain How I Work With The World In A Fairly Non-Narrative Manner.

People Ain’t No Good.

I decided recently that I no longer cared about what people think of me. For the most part, that hasn’t changed much in the last few months, and I don’t think it will. I see very little reason to care what most people think of me. I know who I am and what I am trying to become, so why should the opinions of this or that person bother me? I have let a lot of people in my life dictate my opinion about myself, because of a desire to loved by everyone. It is only recently that I’ve realized that just about everyone sucks. And people who spend a lot of their time punishing you for mistakes you made, learned from, and didn’t repeat aren’t worth your time. I have no time for grousers and no time for guilt. There are a lot of people who think their opinion about me should matter to me, but as it stands, they don’t. Because I have no interest in allowing other people to dictate my life or how I should feel about the way I lead it.

All I Want.

My goals in life are straightforward (at least on paper), and incredibly selfish. I want to spend my life learning, and working to better myself through knowledge. Anyone who has ever told you that “knowledge is power” has probably been speaking at least a little bit in hyperbole. I don’t think of it as hyperbole in the slightest. But power is a loaded word with big, ugly connotations in this day and, indeed, perhaps any, age. But I’m not looking for power in the traditional implication of the word. People hear “power” and they think they want to have dominion over other people. I couldn’t give a toss about having power over other people. I have stated many times that I want control, but controlling others just sounds like a lot of extra work. No. I want control over my life and how I spend my time. I don’t see why that shouldn’t be possible. I like to read. I like to write. I like to learn new information and skills. I like new experiences. I don’t want to be rich or famous. I don’t want to change the world. I want to change myself. I want to keep changing myself because, why stay the same?

Comfort Is Never A Goal.

The same is boring. The same is comfortable. Comfort can be fine but it should never be the goal. We change or we die. And even though change is a big, nebulous and scary word, it is necessary to our survival. If you did the exact same thing every single day for the rest of your life, you’d go insane. Because your thoughts are changing from one moment to the next, so the world around us and what we do outside of our head must also change. I know a lot of people who “have it figured out.” People who “understand how the world works and how it will always work.” These people are all very assured about their knowledge. They are assured in their comfort and power over the world around them. These people are boring. And lying. What’s the fun in knowing everything? If you know everything, there is nothing left to learn and no more room for growth and change.

Purpose.

I asked a friend what he thought he was here (meaning, in this case, alive), for and he told me: “Nothing.” Further conversation revealed that he doesn’t believe there is a purpose to life. We just live and then we die. I call bullshit because that’s incredibly boring. Now I’m not saying he’s wrong with utter certainty. I could be wrong. It’s happened once or twice. I have no idea why the human race exists. Or why anything exists for that matter. But I do believe it is for a reason. It has purpose. I have purpose. I haven’t got a clue what that purpose is and I don’t even think I’m supposed to know in this lifetime, but I’m okay with that because I know it exists. I have faith. Which is a strange concept to most people because I do not believe in God in the traditional sense of the word. That’s a story for another time though. Science and Logic are fine, and can explain many things, but they are not the only things in existence. I believe there is more to the universe than we can see with our eyes or machines. I have faith. I have wonder. I believe in the magical, the extraterrestrial, the paranormal and the unexplainable. I believe I can balance both a rational understanding of the universe, and also fully, un-hypocritically, believe that there are things beyond our simple, three-dimensional perceptions. After all, according to Bat-Might: “The 5th Dimension IS Imagination.” But if you want “real-world” proof that there are things beyond our ability to rationally explain in a day-to-day setting, try to explain in a cold, concise, clinical way why you are in love with the person you are in love with. In my experience, you don’t love someone because of something you can dissect in a lab. You love them because of some nebulous, unknown quality that just makes sense, even though you can’t see it, name it or locate it in the room. But it’s there, and you know it.

What I Know.

I do not kill people. I do not kick puppies. I do not drown kittens. I do not make it my business to physically, emotionally or verbally abuse people of any age, shape, gender, creed or ethnicity. Intelligence is anyone’s game though, and I will make an exception in “creed” for Scientologists (because they aren’t real people). I do not steal from people or fund war machines. I try to be, if not pleasant, then at least cordial to people I do not like or am indifferent to. I go out of my way to be friendly to those I actually like. I do my best to care for and support those who I love. But I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I believe in second chances though, especially for myself. I rarely do things I feel shame for having done, and do my best to make amends for them when I do. I do my best, which is all I have ever done, and all I will continue to do.

Thinking Man’s Metal. Part 2.

Andrew’s List of the Top 10 Thinking Man’s Metal Bands. Part 2: “It’s Just Noise.”

Welcome, headbangers, to the second installment of Thinking Man’s Metal. I trust that my omission of Phil Anselmo’s current band, Down, in slots 10 or 9 did not come as a shock or bother anyone terribly. Good. I’m glad to see we’re on the same page. Let’s continue.

8. Fantômas

Fantômas (From left to right: Buzz Osbourn. Dave Lombardo, Trevor Dunn, Mike Patton).

Of all the bands on this list, I will cop to the fact that this one is fair to be filed under “Questionable Content.” Because Mike Patton’s Fantômas is about the furthest thing from easy listening in Independent and Underground Music, respectively. First, a little background. You’ve probably heard of Faith No More, the 90’s Epic Funk Metal band. They’re the band that made Mike Patton famous. They’re also probably the least interesting group he’s ever performed with. I mean, they are pretty great. I’ve seen them live and it was awesome. But others and myself have sometimes wondered if he only joined FNM in order to fund later projects. Because of the 12+ musical projects the man has been a part of in the last 20 years, they are by far the least creatively captivating. Less famous and more interesting  bands he’s been a part of include Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, Peeping Tom and John Zorn’s Moonchild Trio. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Patton’s work ethic is astounding to say the least, having appeared on over 20 different albums in his career and showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. Close to the end of the 90’s, with Faith No More and Mr. Bungle both fracturing apart, Patton decided to form a new band to perform an entirely different kind of music than he had created as a part of FNM or Bungle.

The agenda with Fantômas is much further from standard Pop conventions than FNM or even Mr. Bungle’s highly experimental Disco Volante had dared to venture. Inspired by Japanese Noise Bands such as the Psychedelic spasm rocker the Boredoms and the hyper-tension jump cut styles of Ruins as well as the change-on-a-dime genre mashing of John Zorn’s Naked City, Mike Patton formed Fantômas with guitarist Buzz Osbourn of the Melvins, fellow ex-Bungler bassist Trevor Dunn and (coming in from left field), drummer Dave Lombardo of Slayer fame. Patton is well-known as a vocalist first and composer second, but his skill in both regions is evident with Fantômas. The complicated, schizophrenic music is made all the more demented by the fact that Patton doesn’t sing words with this project, instead, opting the voice as merely another non-verbal instrument. He scats, he growls, he screams and howls and while it sounds insane, it fits the music, especially when you consider his predecessors (Ruins). Though Osbourn and Lombardo’s backgrounds find themselves rooted in Sludge and Thrash Metal, respectively, the music of Fantômas is entirely composed and conducted by Mike Patton and it doesn’t sound like anything else I’ve ever heard. I know that sounds cliché, but I dare you to propose another band that sounds anything like them. Fantômas plays what could be construed as “Jump-Cut-Avant-Garde-Dadaist-Noise-Metal,” and believe me, that genre tag does not make it easy to sell them to people. This video of them performing as the Fantômas-Mevlins Big Band in London might help:

The genre bending, breaking, warping and twisting involved in any given Fantômas record, combined with the complexity and attention involved in single songs, is enough to land them on this list. But even though I have a lot of love for Mike Patton, I will willing admit that this stuff can be headache inducing at times. But I cannot fault the man for extreme creativity. Each of the four Fantômas records are based around a distinct theme. Fantômas (1999) is a 30 track long album which combines Heavy Metal and Spy Movie sound effects, themed around the fact that each track is the next page in a comic book. It gets weirder from here.  The Director’s Cut (2001) is a cover album with the band performing classic and cult movie scores in Metal and Electronic arrangements. Delìrium Còrdia (2004) is a single 80 minute-long track that combines Dark Ambient, forlorn Jazz, epic Chant

The Director’s Cut

music all tied together by the theme of surgery without anesthesia. It sounds like a horror film for blind people. The most recent album was 2005’s Suspended Animation, which returned to the 30 song structure but this time combined Metal with Cartoon and Children’s music. It is by far the most disturbing thing in their catalog and the scariest album I have ever heard (probably).

While Mike Patton has been working on more conventional music recently, Fantômas is still active, if sporadically. But considering the frequency of touring undertaken by the Melvins and Lombardo’s commitments to Slayer, the band hasn’t hit the road or recorded anything new recently. Which is more or less fine, the four records we have are pretty hard to take-in in one sitting. This is music for the truly adventurous. For people who are willing to give art house films and bands like The Residents a chance. It doesn’t actually matter which record you hear first, except to note that whichever one you start with, may make or break your appreciation of the band and that it will not be the same for the next person. My favorites are Delìrium Còrdia and Suspended Animation, but the easiest one to start out with is probably The Director’s Cut, as it could be considered the Pop album.

On numerous occasions, the question has been raised as to whether Mike Patton is a genius or a madman. I will state definitively that he is a madman. The man has built a summer cabin on the edge, where he lives year-round. You can’t buy that kind of crazy in a store. Unless, of course, you are in a record store, buying a Fantômas record.

Fantômas performing “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.”

“The Godfather” by Fantômas

Album Recommendation: The Director’s Cut, 2001 Ipecac.

7. Jesu

Jesu

Justin K. Broadrick is man with a great deal of history within the veins of heavy music. Considering the impact he’s had, you’d think his name would be more readily recognized, even outside of the Metal, Electronic and Industrial spheres. Oh, and Grindcore. Funny as it is, J.K.B. was one of the members of Napalm Death when they recorded Scum, an album that is as close to classic status as you can get with Grindcore. However, noting that he left Napalm Death after recording only one half of the album can tell you a lot about his remaining interest in the genre. The band you have probably heard of is Godflesh, the grinding, pulverizing, Industrial Metal trio he formed in the late 80’s and operated through the early 2000’s. Godflesh is one of those bands that I recognize as being a good band, even though I myself don’t like them very much. The elements are right, I just don’t care for the end result pans out. And while many people will point to 1989’s Streetcleaner as the best Godflesh album, I think that record sounds like a trash compactor devouring car engines and small dogs. The album I personally find the most listenable of the Godflesh catalog is their last one, 2001’s Hymns, which is both the most mature and well-developed presentation of the Godflesh sound, as well as the record that opened the door to create Jesu, Broadrick’s current and, in my oh so humble opinion, best project.

Lifeline

Jesu (a name taken from the final Godflesh song,) is as dramatically different from Godflesh as night is from day. Though, similarities do exist. Jesu continues Broadrick’s exploration of combining lengthy, heavy Metal compositions with Electronic and Industrial elements. But instead of a scraping, screaming mess, Jesu can sound downright beautiful. In describing them to people, I use the genre tag Metalgaze, implying a combination of Metal and Shoegaze (loud, fuzzy, distorted, introvert rock), music. Jesu albums are ethereal in contrast to the visceral sound of Godflesh, though don’t think the project lacks teeth or weight. The first Jesu full-length album (Self-Titled, 2004) is a crushingly loud affair that puts not only Broadrick’s previous work, but the work of many of his contemporaries and protégés to shame. The chugging, machine-like Bass. The earth-shaking drums. Broadrick’s signature guitar riffs. Vocals that sing melodies rather than scream. The first Jesu album is like being lost in a massive thunderstorm,  in a place of electricity and noise that, despite all odds, sunlight is breaking through to. Songs like “Your Path To Divinity” and “Friends Are Evil” both demonstrate a mixture of luminescent atmosphere and sundering chords that now define the Jesu’s sound. I have used the word “transcendent” in describing the mind enveloping nature of other bands in the past and Jesu is more than worthy of being named as such.

Silver

Part of this feeling of ascension is Broardrick’s guitar sound. Once you hear it, you will always know it. At one time being so low tuned that it’s scraping the bottom of the ocean, it can also sound like what steel and gold, glistening in the sun, would sound like if such a thing we’re possible. Another metaphor I can think of is if bright shafts of light had tangible weight and were heavy as stones. Broadrick being the main member of the band, and the guiding creative beacon, some releases feature only him playing all instruments. The full band albums usually have a more distinctly heavy feel to them, while the solo recordings are known to be more electronic driven and even friendly sounding by comparison. For this reason, Jesu is a band that I feel should have a great deal of appeal outside of the realms of Metal and Industrial, if only for the textures alone. Over time, Broadrick has dialed back the crunchiness of Jesu’s music is favor of startlingly lush and multi-layered synthesizer washes. The low tuned crawl of the earlier work is built upon to become more expansive and, at times, epic in scope. Conqueror, Jesu’s second LP, is less Metal, but probably more easily swallowed by those who want something that feels less like being bulldozed.

Opiate Sun

It is to Broadrick’s credit that he is prolific, but also has a strong belief in the continuing power of the EP. A number of Jesu’s best releases are not full-lengths but shorter works, which retain the power and impact of albums, but are more concise and focused in their presentation. And as opposed to Jesu, Conqueror or Ascension (Jesu’s three LPs), I would recommend starting delving into their work with one of these three EPs: Opiate Sun, Lifeline and Silver. Each is 4 tracks long, clock in at under 30 minutes, and demonstrate a different aspect of Jesu’s musical personality. Opiate Sun is the most in keeping with their Metal and Industrial works, Lifeline is very Electronic based and Silver is, I feel, the most straightforwardly poppy collection of songs Justin Broadrick has ever released. It is this kind of diversity, along with superior compositional chops and serious attention to detail, that puts Jesu on this list.

Justin K. Broadrick

“Opiate Sun” by Jesu

Album Recommendations: Silver, 2006 Hydra Head. Lifeline, 2007 Hydra Head. Opiate Sun, 2009 Caldo Verde.

P.S. If you want to make me really happy, check out Infinity, my personal favorite Jesu album. It’s one 50 minute long song. It’s way better than you might think.

Interlude

Next post I make will not be the next installment of this series but something else TBD. So until then…

To Be Continued…

Thinking Man’s Metal. Intro & Part 1.

Thinking Man’s Metal. Part 0: Introduction.

I had a conversation a ways back where someone I had met, who for clarity’s sake we’ll call “Birdy Jr.” decided to get into an argument with me about what does and does not constitute “good music.” The words I just put in quotes describe something so intrinsically subjective and variable that, together, the two words might not mean anything at all in this day and age. Considering that I know, for myself, what good music is and aside from that I can’t say for anyone else, only suggest, says a lot about my perspective. Largely, I’ve stopped trying to be the arbiter of good taste in this world, rather, choosing to curate and cultivate archives of what I perceive as good. And I like to share my opinion to be sure. But so did Birdy Jr. And that was what set off the argument. Specifically, that he felt the need to impress upon me the lack of validity that Heavy Metal held in the world of music.

Now, I do not define myself as a Metalhead. But man, let me tell you. From my perspective, invalidating an entire  arch-genre of music wholesale goes beyond personal taste and into close-minded foolishness. This is something that seems to come up a lot too.

“I don’t consider Death Metal music.”

“It’s just a bunch of screaming.”

“How can you listen to that garbage?”

“There’s no thought behind it.”

“It’s just noise”

“It’s so juvenile.”

“I only listen to real music.”

I have heard all of these statements before. All of them from different people. And all of them sound absurd to me. I don’t just listen to Metal (though heavy music is my favorite kind,) but seeing as how it remains a more maligned genre than I feel it deserves to be, I think it’s time to set the record straight about a few things.

But first, I will give people the benefit of the doubt. Because I can see the logic. Most mainstream Metal bands, and certainly any Metal band who somehow find themselves on the radio, are almost assured to be terrible. Maybe this hasn’t always been the case, but it is now, and has been ever since Nu-Metal had its little explosion in the early 2000’s. The “Big Four” Nu-Metal bands:  Korn, Disturbed, Slipknot and Limp Bizkit are all still oddly popular (to an extent) and are all still, inexplicably, releasing new music. I call it inexplicable, because all of these bands are shudder-inducingly awful, and have been from day one. Anyone growing up and beginning to notice the world around them in the lat 90’s and early 2000’s has heard these bands and with that framework for understanding what Metal is all about, I can see why you might shy away, considering the lack of definable intelligence and musicality found therein.

And it’s not like the immediate forbearers were much better. If you’ve heard a 90’s band called Pantera, or of a man named Phil Anselmo, my condolences. Even tracing the lineage back to when Thrash Metal first started dominating in the mid 80’s, the music wasn’t exactly brimming with wisdom or guile. Metallica, Megadeath and Slayer are all bands that I recognize the importance of, and I will even go so far as to call Slayer a good band (because Dave Lombardo is untouchable.) But understanding the adoration people still hold for Metallica and the other Thrash Metal titans like Megadeath and Anthrax (a band I have yet to meet anyone who actually likes,) is something that has always and will probably continue to escape me.

And what of modern mainstream Metal? If you want comedy in action I urge you to look up Children of Bodom and Whitechapel, two bands of, at best, questionable artistic merit. Or if you are masochistic, Metallica did an album with Lou Reed called Lulu that I somehow feel is a sign of the apocalypse.

So like I said, I understand the logic. When everything you are presented with up front is garbage, why dig deeper? Because: the good stuff always takes a little more effort to find. That being said, I also understand that most people are too busy to go out looking, so what I’ve done here is the leg work.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to present you with:

Andrew’s List of the Top 10 Thinking Man’s Metal Bands.

Ten bands that, for my money, prove unequivocally that there is genuine intelligence, wisdom, complexity and depth to be found in the Heavy Metal genre. Now this is my list of my opinions based on my own set of criteria, so if you read it and are confused or offended by the omission of this or that band, then understand, it is not definitive by any means. These are merely the choices that make the most sense to me. Also, when I say “Thinking Man’s Metal,” you don’t have to be a philosophy scholar to enjoy the bands mentioned hereafter. This is merely about demonstrating that there is more to this genre than beards and head banging.

So, without further ado, let’s get this show on the road.

Andrew’s List of the Top 10 Thinking Man’s Metal Bands. Part 1: “It’s So Juvenile.”

10. Yakuza

Yakuza

Back when Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin were ostensibly inventing the Metal genre, there was another band hanging around with them, a Progressive Rock band called King Crimson. As of 2012, King Crimson is considered one of the most staggeringly prolific and complicated bands in music history, and back when In The Court Of The Crimson King was released in 1969, I doubt that anyone, let alone mainstay guitarist Robert Fripp, would have been able to predict their importance to future generations, let alone the importance of just one song. “21st Century Schizoid Man” is the first song from In The Court Of The Crimson King, and  besides being a stellar composition (actually, the only good song from that first album,) it is the birthplace of Jazz Metal.

Now you’d think that a genre as free-flowing and spontaneous as Jazz would mix poorly with the crushing weight of most Metal music, and good Jazz Metal Bands are indeed, few and far between. But I can think of at least three good ones: New Jersey’s The Dillinger Escape Plan, Norway’s Shining (who recorded the definitive cover version of “21st Century Schizoid Man” for their 2010 record BlackJazz,) and Chicago’s Yakuza, who we are here to shine the spotlight on. Yakuza are clearly a Prog band, no bones

Of Seismic Consequence

about it, and the connection that traces them all the way back to “21st Century Schizoid Man” is evident in their 2010 record Of Seismic Consequence. Mixing compositional grandiosity on the level of Opeth with tribal percussion culled from World Music and appropriately applied saxophone inflections (and at least two killer solos), Of Seismic Consequence should serve to handily silence naysayers of Jazz Metal. It sounds like a record that Peter Gabriel or Adrien Belew-era King Crimson would have made if they had decided to abandon pop music trappings or go all the way with the heavy moments from The Power To Believe, respectively. Yakuza’s front man/saxophonist, Bruce Lamont, sounds at times like he himself took singing lessons from Belew, though Lamont’s ability to do a serious metal-growl sets him apart dramatically.

In terms of selecting “Thinking Man’s Metal” to showcase, Yakuza seem an obvious candidate. They are eclectic, engaging and proficient musicians and Of Seismic Consequence is a stunningly absorbing record. It takes a special kind of skill to make saxophones sound at home with chugging guitar storms on a Metal album, but Yakuza manage to do so with surprising ease. If you are a fan of experimental work or are looking for something left of field, I cannot recommend Yakuza enough.

“Stones and Bones” by Yakuza

Album recommendation: Of Seismic Consequence, 2010 Profound Lore.

9. Om

Om

While the 90’s were not a particularly notable decade for Metal, with Pantera and Sepultura dominating the scene, there are a few gems lying around, waiting to be unearthed. The internet had yet to become the massive world-changing monolith that we now take for granted, so a lot of Metal music went almost under the radar. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. The Melvins and TooL released some of their classic records in the decade of my birth, and the groundwork was laid by groups like Faith No More, Godflesh and Earth for a multitude of bands, labels and records to come in the following decade(s). One of the bands that history has seen given it’s due, is Sleep, who some would call “The Ultimate Stoner Rock Band.” As the rumbling progenitors of Stoner Metal, Sleep’s original trio recorded two records that are now regarded as classic in most heavy music circles, Sleep’s Holy Mountain and Dopesmoker before record label pressures caused the band to split. They have since reunited to perform shows here and there, but the members have largely moved on to bigger and (in my opinion), better things. Guitarist Matt Pike continued to innovate Stoner Metal with his band High On Fire, while Bassist/Vocalist Al Cisneros and Drummer Chris Hakius reunited as a duo to create Om.

Whilst Sleep’s music was followed everywhere by a cloud of pot smoke and was sometimes so heady  you thought you might get a contact high, Om follows a different path than Cisneros’ resume would initially indicate. Working with the basic elements of Bass, Drums and Vocals, Om generally performs longer-form, minimalist Doom Metal that feels more spiritually transcendental than it does spaced out. Some have likened their music structurally to Tibetan chanting and the comparison is apt. Listening to

Om: Emil Amos (left.) Al Cisneros (right.)

Om is a very calming experience for me, even when they are using some of their crunchier bass effects. The droning, repetitive nature of the music feels more zen and peaceful than anything else, with Cisneros’ singing in a detached and monotonous (which in this case is a good thing) voice that is like listening to a religious orator conducting some kind fo ritual. Om is not by any means a band with a hidden zealous agenda, but rather a musical vehicle for Cisneros to explore spiritual themes within himself. At least, that’s what I get from it. It is also interesting to note that they are a decidedly eastern sounding band. There is a tangible difference between bands of eastern and western origin in approaches to music and how it is understood and played. Om strikes me as a band that could just as easily come from the Himalayas (they even have a song called “Annapurna”), instead of their native California. The main thing that sets Om apart from most Metal bands, Sleep especially, is that their music sounds thoughtful, contemplative even. It is a rather refreshing feeling.

Pilgrimage

Mining minimalism is difficult in music, but Om has managed to record four studio albums without repeating themselves. The simplicity of the sound lends itself to lengthy repetitive compositions, and that is not everyone’s cup of tea. The music is not boring or lacking in dynamism, it simply moves at a slower pace. Drone and Doom Metal are not known for wailing guitar solos or ludicrous drum breakdowns. But then again, if you want Speed Metal, you might want to ask someone else. Om has new record of the horizon and their last album, 2009’s God Is Good, was a splendid piece of music and the first full-length to be released since Emil Amos replaced Chris Hakius on drums, after the latter retired from music in 2008. But I would recommend that to start out, you check out 2007’s Pilgrimage, as I would argue that it is their most accomplished recording and that God Is Good almost isn’t even a Metal album.

“Bhima’s Theme” by Om

Album Recommendation: Pilgrimage, 2007 Southern Lord.

To Be Continued…

The End Of Radio #2: “Wires” & “The Corpse”

A moment of pure bliss occurred on April 2nd when I discovered that June 1st will bring two of the best bands in modern Metal to The Highline on Broadway, not far from my house. Having not had a chance to visit The Highline yet, this is an exciting prospect for me, considering that I have missed the last few chances I had to see both bands on the bill.

Doubly so, considering the pairing in question is Portland, Oregon’s impeccable Red Fang and Seattle’s own Sandrider.

Red Fang. In the best homemade LARPing gear I have ever seen.

Safe to say I’m reasonably stoked. Well, maybe more like shaking with anticipation.

I heard that Red Fang and BlackTusk were on tour together and lamented my inability to see such a perfectly sonically and aesthetically complimentary Metal show, but Sandrider is going to make up for a Tuskless evening I believe.

Red Fang has been making waves lately in the Heavy Music scene, and considering the strength of 2011’s Murder The Mountains , their presence is decidedly welcome in the sonic community.

Murder The Mountains

Murder The Mountains is like a Mastodon record by way of Queens Of The Stone Age’s “Mexicola”: heavy, relentless and unexpectedly hooky. I almost want to call Murder The Mountains “The Metal Record For The Whole Family,” which is admittedly silly sounding, but is not meant to undermine the album’s power. I merely state it like that to acknowledge the clarity of Pop Music sensibilities found here. This is an album that will incline even those who have never tasted good Metal Music to bang their heads and could very well work like a Heavy Metal gateway drug, to incline those uncertain of the genre to try newer and more challenging works. Which fits, considering the clear Stoner Rock* influences found tracks like “Hank Is Dead” and “Throw Up,” the latter of which is the most noticeable example of the “Mastodon meets Mexicola” sound, even incorporating elements that recall King Buzzo of the Melvins’ songwriting style.

Sandrider. A band of Hungry Men.

Sandrider, by contrast, fits the bill in terms of being arguably more challenging, in that their songs are on average, longer, angrier, scuzzier and at times less focused. And none of these are bad things. Whereas Red Fang has a decidedly “Pop Structure” thought process when it comes to songwriting, Sandrider is a jammier entity, where the verse-chorus-verse concept is less stringently adhered to (Take note though: They Are NOT a Jam Band.) Which fits with the evidence presented by Jon Weisnewski’s (Sandrider guitarist/vocalist) other band, Akimbo, who also favor long-form Metal with heavy influences taken from Hardcore, past and present. But Sandrider isn’t just Akimbo-Light, and Weisnewski’s presence on lead guitar rather than bass has the effect, desired or not, of distancing their sound from Akimbo’s. Their Self-Titled record came out in December of last year on Good To Die Records, and with seven tracks clocking in at 40 minutes, the album is a thunderous Garage Metal powerhouse that manages to remain to-the-point, while still boasting at least five songs over five minutes in length, with one being the 10:07 long epic; “The Judge.” While Sandrider isn’t on nearly the level of notoriety that Red Fang have achieved as of recently, being on Relapse Records, it is my hope that they do not remain a secret sequestered in the Pacific Northwest as these three guys could be sundering rock venues around the country and garnering fans with ease.

In order to get you properly stoked for the show on June 1st at The Highline, I present two songs:

“Wires” by Red Fang

The second song from Red Fangs’ Murder The Mountains is the album’s shiniest gem and, appropriately, it’s leading single. Giving its first half to being a decidedly catchy headbanger, complete with Josh Homme inspired vocal deliveries, and its second to churning, increasingly chaotic jamming before crashing to halt, the song summarizes the message and intent of Red Fang’s music perfectly, which is exactly what a lead single should do.

“The Corpse” by Sandrider

A fuzzy, dirty, adrenaline-filled deafener of a song, Sandrider’s “The Corpse” from their Self-Titled record captures everything I love about the band in all their blasted glory. The simple-to-achieve sound is raw and barbarous, over which Jon Weisnewski’s bellowing vocals grab your

Sandrider

attention by its throat and refuse to let got until you’ve heard what he and his band have to say. Though truthfully, it should only take those few jagged chords at the beginning to draw you in and by the time look up, the song is well underway and you’re sinking in the sand. And it is awesome.

If you enjoyed these songs, you should pick up both Murder The Mountains by Red Fang and Self-Titled by Sandrider. It will be time and money well spent. And maybe I’ll see you at The Highline. Cheers.

*BONUS*

Red Fang has a music video for “Wires” which details the best way to blow $5,000 on making a music video. It is superior. Enjoy.

Thanks for listening.

*Because as we all know, Marijuana is the deadliest of drugs and will incline the Youth of America to try Heroine and Meth after filling their heads with Refer Madness.

The Apostate. Or, Every Time I See Michael Gira Live I Have A Religious Experience.

On Thursday March 22nd, I had the good fortune to see Michael Gira perform a solo acoustic show at the Triple Door in downtown Seattle. The beautiful venue seemed almost too delicate to contain the raw intensity of Gira’s music, even in its barest, most stripped-down form. Gira himself was slightly uncomfortable with the concept of people sitting quietly, listening to him perform over their Wild Ginger cooked dinners. “I used to writhe about naked in front of a cement mixer of different noises” he stated at a later moment in the evening, which caused laughter but also goes a long way to exemplifying just how much things have changed for him.

For those of you who don’t know, this man pictured here, is Michael Gira.

Michael Rolfe Gira

He is one of my favorite musicians. I might even go so far as to put him in the Top 5. Mr. Gira has a long and complex history within the musical world and now, just two years shy of his 60th birthday, he continues to create some of the most visceral and challenging music of the last 35 years, and his bottomless baritone voice has remained a consistent force in the sonic landscape. Not bad. His most well-known band is Swans, who were once known as “The Loudest Band In The World,” a title they arguably still hold, though that dubious honor shouldn’t be the thing most people conjure in their minds of when they think of them, but probably is. Swans began as a brutally vicious No Wave band in New York in 1982 and over the years, evolved and transformed under Gira’s guidance until their inevitable collapse in 1997.

Gira with Swans

It is impossible, at this point, to say that “Swans is a [fill in the blank genre tag here] band.” While their sound, presentation and concept has had a definite through-line, the music itself has changed wildly over the decades, partially due to the revolving door of members, but mostly it’s because Michael Gira kept trying new things, and Swans has always been Gira’s vision. And that vision was of a bleak and sordid wasteland of human corruption, debauchery and misery that to this day remains unrivaled in music and would likely either give the Marquis de Sade the worst nightmares he ever had, or (more likely,) perverse sexual arousal. Not even Trent Reznor’s The Downward Spiral or Marilyn Manson’s Antichrist Superstar have matched the depths of personal and societal decay found on early, and at times even later, Swans records. I mean, this is the band who released a single called “Raping A Slave.” I’m not entirely sure of the events that transpired in Gira’s youth, but I’ve gotten the impression from interviews that his running away from home and hitchhiking across Europe to nearly die in a coal mine in Israel had a bit of an impact on him.

Now, it would be understandable if one were to assume that Michael Gira’s predilection for shining a light on the horrors and atrocities that hide themselves in human skins is because he is a sick freak who delights in his own suffering and the misery brought on by forcing his audience to experience the dark twisted exhibitionism of his own personal psychosis.

Nice theory. But it’s bullshit.

I would go so far as to posit that Michael Gira is actually a rather keen observer of Human Nature and it just so happens that his main field of study in the subject is of the more twisted and wretched elements found within people. Sad but true, for all of our evolution, we haven’t really progressed that far yet. The form and presentation of Gira’s music with Swans has always had the feel of a “Sonic Cleansing Ritual.” Rhythmic, thunderous and thoroughly captivating, it’s the kind of concert that produces an equal mixture of entertainment and catharsis for the audience and it was the most transcendental concert-going experience of my life.

Some would claim that Gira mellowed with age. He didn’t. He matured. His song composition and writing styles have grown from their early stages of “Abrasive Mono-Tone Slam” and “Barking Orders Of Violence,” into innovative Post-Rock* over which coherent stories are sung. He even writes genuine love songs now, though it might not sound like that at first listen. This genesis had reached what Gira assumed was its pinnacle when Swans was dissolved in 1997, leading him to form a new, more orchestrated project called the Angels of Light, which he maintained until eventually re-imagining Swans in 2010. The Angels of Light was a project that allowed Gira to pursue the more Folk oriented side of Swans music, though while it could be gorgeous and lush in more “traditional” sense of the word, the band retained Gira’s singular dedication and raw intensity, albeit seen through a different lens.

With Swans

The eventual decision to reactivate Swans in 2010, after Gira had previously stated the band was “dead,” could be construed as him wavering, but his stance is that this is not a reunion so much the music he is writing now makes more sense under the Swans moniker. My Father Will Guide Me Up A Rope To The Sky, Swans’ masterful “comeback” album is fascinating as a document of  the culmination and merging of both Swans and Angels of Light mindsets and sounds. Arguably though, it would probably make more sense to think of all of it as The Music of Michael Gira. Seems legit to me. Having now seen him perform two very different kinds of concerts, I feel especially rewarded by the good fortune of my life. Michael Gira live is, for me, a spiritually transcendental event and I will go to any concert where he will be performing. To put this all in context for you, I would like to share some of my favorite songs in his catalog. It may not be your thing, but I encourage you to give them a listen. You never know what you might find.

1. “Jim”

“Jim” is a cut from Swans’ most recent album. 2010’s impeccable My Father Will Guide Me Up A Rope To The Sky. In terms of songs that do well to exemplify the merging of the Swans sound at the end of their original run with that of the Angels Of Light, “Jim” succeeds with flying colors of red. The Jim of the song is actually J.G. Thirlwell of Foetus fame, and the lyrics feels like Michael Gira’s demented call to action for the two veterans of the New York No Wave scene. Considering that Thirlwell has been producing excellent music of late as well, I have a feeling the call will be heeded.

2. “Destroyer”

One of the most disarmingly calm and beautiful songs Gira penned under the Angels Of Light moniker, this song is performed simply on a grouping of acoustic guitars. The serene tone of the music is strangely fitting for Gira’s warnings of a devastating Goddess-like figure who shatters civilization and returns the world back to a time where nature ruled. His vocal performance on this song feels particularly of note.

Michael Gira at The Triple Door (Photo Credit: Daniel Ahrendt.)

3. “Sex God Sex”

A callback to a time when Swans’ music was simple and bludgeoningly straightforward, “Sex God Sex” is one of the few songs from Swans Version 1.0 that the band still performs live. It was a loud, pulverizing affair back then too. Incessantly repetitive and hammering, the song is about… Well, it’s about ritualistic sex with God. And considering the downright overwhelming nature of the piece, this is probably about as close as you are going to get to GodSex. This is a live version.

4. “Eden Prison”

“Eden Prison” is a song that wound up on the latest Swans album. Though this solo version still commands the damning presence of it’s fully orchestrated counterpart. More evidence that Michael Gira is the heart and soul of any project he devotes himself.

5. “My Brother’s Man”

This song was on the last Angels Of Light album, We Are Him, which began to point the way back to the Swans mindset, as shown in the song’s stomping rhythm section and whirring guitars, over which Gira’s proselytizes the power of his Brother and his Man. The moment when the music cuts out and Gira proclaims “I am the God of this fucking land” is iconic and also goes a long way to explaining why some people think God is dead. Gira crushed him. In his brother’s hand.

New Mother by The Angels Of Light

6. “Forever Yours”

This one has become a recent favorite. From the first Angels Of Light album, New Mother, this is more or less what I was talking about when I said Gira can write decent love songs. It’s love expressed through the distorted prose of his quasi-apocalyptic perspective, but it still feels like a genuine love song, with genuine loving sentiment. Despite the morbid connotations about having his lover drown him in the river. Seriously. If nothing else the song is enrapturingly beautiful.

7. “I Am The Sun”

A live rendition from Swans are Dead, a live album capturing their final(ish) European tour in 1997, “I Am The Sun” could very well be the song that got me into Swans and Michael Gira in the first place. Admittedly it was the unorthodox Start/Stop studio version from The Great Annihilator that I heard first, but this version is the song fully realized in its final form and it is above and beyond the studio version by miles into the sky. The imagery in this song, the dichotomy between the light and illumination of the sun and the madness that grows like a cancer inside of the singer’s mind, is one of the more memorable visuals for me from all of Michael Gira’s catalog.

The Man With The Silver Tongue

Thanks for listening.

*I’m aware of the stupidity of the genre tag but until we get something better, people know what this means.

The End Of Radio #1: “Helpless Corpse Enactment.”

It has occurred to me on the basis of my last few contributions to this blog, that I run the risk of becoming one of those annoyingly precious people who just write about their every little quibble and emotional foible because they think nobody in their real life cares, but somehow the people on the internet will. The difference herein being that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the internet does not care. The internet is an anonymous, faceless monolith, or void, depending on the day, through which the whole seedy underbelly of humanity skitters and crawls, searching for something new to sink their long, sticky claws into. There is a notion that we will one day live on the internet, and at that time we will stop being people entirely. What will we be? I don’t know. I plan on being dead long before that stage of “evolution” takes place.

My belief in the singular importance of tangible reality is something I would like to give some more thought and exploration to in the future, but right now, I have a different agenda in mind. While I can be a decidedly emo or pretentiously introspective person who worries about things like the inescapable white noise of the city or the impending doom that will be brought upon us by virtual reality, I am for the most part an optimist who has other things to talk about than my bizarre personal problems. I am the curator of an extensive personal archive, housing books, media and artifacts of all shapes, sizes and planetary origins. My agenda with this archive is complicated and multifaceted to say the least, and my personal philosophy regarding why I do what I do is a story for another time. For now though, what is important for you to know is that I don’t believe in hoarding knowledge. I’m not building a vault, I’m building a library, and from that point of view I enjoy sharing what I find with other people. Including you. Whoever you are.

Today, I would like to share this piece of music with you.

It’s called “Helpless Corpse Enactment” by The Sleepytime Gorilla Museum.

“Sleep Is Wrong.”

The Sleepytime Gorilla Museum is a band that I wish I had started. And now that they have closed their doors to the public, I simply feel gratitude that I got a chance to see them perform before then end. Though many will jump to putting them in the Avant-Garde Metal box, I argue that their music is not as simply confined with an arbitrary genre tag, which admittedly, is something I’ve tried to do with them in the past. What I found thrilling about the Sleepytime Gorilla Museum was their dedication to not only crafting multi-layered and complicated music, but the entire visual spectacle and apocalyptic persona of their art. This was a band following their own path and creating music that steps far, far away from any conventional realm, even as it is being played on the most conventional of instruments. Of course, they also built several instruments of their own, with names like “The Sledge-Hammer Dulcimer” and the infamous “Piano Log.”

This song here , “Helpless Corpse Enactment,” is by far their most straightforward and Metal composition in the musical sense. In the lyrical… It’s a bit of a nightmare, but that has largely to do with the lyrics being adapted from the text of Finnegan’s Wake by James Joyce, one of the most difficult to decipher novels written in the English Language. I still to this day have no idea what the song is supposed to be about, which is unusual for this band, because even when discussing the most outrageous of concepts, the lyrics, while highly intelligent, are usually presented in a way that allows the listener some greater insight into the story at hand. Perhaps what is more disturbing to me about “Helpless Corpse Enactment” is that the band understood enough of Finnegan’s Wake write a song using its language.

Again, musically speaking, this is the closest SGM ever got to a pop song and as it boasts a rather well-regarded music video, it could be considered their big hit. Ironic for a song written in what most people will interpret as gibberish. While they have more interesting songs, this one has been on my mind lately as I consider my ever-changing relationship with the strange and sometimes frightening world around me. And as the shadows grow long in the cities of man, I begin to wonder if these unorthodox prophets of cantankerous noise might just have been on to something. While you ponder that, here is the music video (I do apologize for the quality):

Thanks for listening.

A Distant Sadness. Or, Serenade To Silence.

The time at the beginning of this writing is 10:38pm on a Tuesday night in March. I’m sure you can glean this from the timestamp on the blog, but it give me a sense of clarity to say  it for myself. Today has been pretty straightforward. I do something on a fairly regular basis that I like to call “The Seattle Circle Tour,” which involves me traveling around Lake Union in a circular motion, beginning at Capitol Hill (where I live) and going either in the direction of Downtown or the U District and hitting a few major locations in between before eventually arriving back home from the opposite direction. I’ve had enough errands in different locations in the same day enough times to warrant this circuit getting its own title, and most of my more routine excursions keep me somewhere within The Circle, even if I don’t do the whole thing. And even then, there is an expanded form of the circle that includes Ballard and The International District, both places I like a lot that my errands don’t usually take me to.

I explain all this because it is not terribly hard to surmise from day-to-day where I might end up, and even I sometimes think of my world as “Broadway, The Ave, Greenlake and Fremont.” And on some days that is fine, and on some days it isn’t. But on days where I want a change, it isn’t hard to get on a bus and go somewhere different, or walk into a shop I don’t usually frequent, etc. But today has been an especially difficult day, despite or perhaps because of the straightforwardness of it all. At this moment I feel emotionally and physically exhausted, like I’ve been under a lot of stress or struggling with something. But there was no great struggle to speak of today, although one thing has been plaguing my mind and I think that it goes a long way to deciphering my weakened state of melancholy:

I want to leave Seattle.

Maybe forever.

Which is obnoxious because I just finished reorganizing my room and it looks fantastic (and so spacious.)

This is something I have been mulling over for a bit now and it continues to come up. It stands to reason that I just don’t get away enough. I would like to do some traveling, see this big ol’ country or, heck, the rest of the world. I used to travel a bit more, but in the last six years I have left Seattle only a handful of times and haven’t gone very far when I have. This is for a number of reasons, the primary one being the onset of an intense phobia of being away from home, for fear of illogical catastrophe. Happens, I guess. But this particular phobia has long since evaporated and I have been itching to get away. Somewhere far, far away. Like Argentina far.

And what worries me… Or fills me with wonder perhaps… Is the notion that I could go and not return. Because why would I want to? I sometimes think about everything here. This life I am building for myself. For the most part, it is extremely satisfying to feel control again. To be able to put things in motion and build a version of myself that I like to see when I look at a mirror. I like my life here, being able to pursue knowledge and understanding of the world around me. Being able to read and study and work on projects without a taskmaster driving me forward screaming “Produce! Create! Be All That You Can Be! Drive Yourself Crazy For Art! Reduce Yourself To Nothing For The Entertainment Of Others!” I’m glad to have fired him. I like being my own boss. And I like the community of my life. The people who I see from day-to-day who I think of as part of my world. I know some fantastic people who make me feel like this whole inhumanist society we live in is eventually going to crumble away, leaving a world of shiny, happy people who all get along. I think about this life I am living. This great blessing. And I feel like I want to run away and never come back.

These feelings haven’t ever persisted for long. The worst was a week where all I wanted to do was pack up my backpack and start walking in a randomly selected direction and see how far I got before my legs gave out. So I know from experience that tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably be just dandy. But right now, I feel very alone, and want to be very far away from here. And what brought this on you ask? A number of things. It’s never simple, obviously. Could it be that I’m tired of the frosty attitudes of people in Seattle? Could it be that I’m tired of eating at the same places every day for lunch? Could it be that there are too many of my fucked up ex-friends and really, truly, disturbed ex-lovers around this town? While all of these things are true enough, none of them hit the main item on the docket:

I can’t get away from the sound.

Specifically: the dull roar the city makes at every hour, minute and second of the day. It permeates the concrete and echoes between the buildings. It carries over the hills and into the residential streets. It is on the water and in the air. It is the hum of the freeway, the buzz of the wires in the walls. Every light and speaker. Every current of electricity. And all of the talking. The endless, endless talking. All of these sounds blur into one giant sheet of white noise that drapes over the city and well into the surrounding areas. There is far too much. Too much everything and you can feel it in the atmosphere. People use the term “noise pollution” to describe situations like this and it feels very accurate. And it is making me crazy.

When I say I want to leave, I could mean a different city. A different state. A different country. But what I really want is go somewhere far away, and quiet. The part of Washington state across the Puget Sound from here, where you have places like Port Townsend, Port Angeles, and, if you go far enough, Makah Bay, and the most northwestern part of the entire country, hold a particular fascination and attraction to me. Because the last time I was there, in Port Townsend specifically, I was struck by how quiet it was. In the day and especially at night. No hum. No buzz. Just serenity. I realize the great irony that my last post almost entirely dealt with my unease with silence in the night, but this is different. This isn’t the misplaced absence of sound so much as it is… The sound of the world at peace with itself. And I miss it. I have been missing it since I was there in August.

I’m not about to jump ship and run away to foreign land tomorrow (though don’t think the idea didn’t cross my mind,) but I have to get away for a bit soon. I will come back. But my mind is not at peace and my heart feels fragile, so when I find the time, I’m going to go back across the Sound and find somewhere out there to just sit. Sit and listen to the silence. And let it lull me into a sleep where I can dream of places far away from here. And quiet.

Thanks for listening.

Sleep Sandwich. Or, Running In Fear From Imaginary Assailants

If there is one thing I have had frequent occasion to struggle with in my life, it has been sleep and my inability to have a peaceful slice of it. At the time I start writing this it is 12:39AM on the Thursday-to-Friday Transition. I have to get up at 10:00AM and I have already taken my sleep medication. I take, specifically, Trazadone to aid my sleeping because I suffer from low-grade insomnia, and it calms my mind down to the point where it eventually slows to a stop. It usually works, but lately I have been feeling a little… stressed… about trying to go to sleep.

The main crux of the issue is that I hate the silence at night. I can hear my thoughts and they are far too loud. They also are speeding at exactly 50,000 light years per second. Up until recently, I wouldn’t have said that I was genuinely scared of silence, just uncomfortable with it, but thanks to Steven Moffat taking over as head writer on Doctor Who, that changed dramatically.

Seriously.

I keep waking up having skipped chunks of time with my arms covered in tally marks…

Okay so I am exaggerating… Meanwhile, back on earth, I actually have become uncomfortable with long stretches of silence in the night, especially when I’m trying to sleep.

The reason is this: When I am trying to sleep and there is silence, I am not totally alone. I mean, I am physically alone and there isn’t anything outside the realm of plausible understanding in the room with me (to my knowledge.) But I’m still not totally alone. I’m with myself. I don’t have schizophrenia or multiple-personality disorder, but I have come to find that late at night, when I am trying to sleep, is when all of my fears, doubts and worries, no matter how illogical they may be, come out to play. And because my sleepy mind isn’t functioning at it’s highest caliber, these fears seem more plausible. And that wakes me up and makes me more tired all at once.

I realize this isn’t a unique problem. “Everything seems worse at night” is something my Dad has said to me before. I’ve also heard tell that nothing good happens after 2:00Am but I would be willing to contest that. It’s after 4:00AM that nothing good happens. Regardless, this is a fairly mundane problem when looked at in the light. During the day, I can rationalize the perception filter that inhibits positive thinking and reason late at night. I can look at my fears and say, “well, realistically, that isn’t a big deal.” But in the moment, and it is in the exact moment that I am trying to fall asleep, these irrational problems seem all the more likely.

I believe the reason this is as irritating as it is to me is because, during the day, there is only one thing that really scares me to think about. That thing is memories of 2011 and the state of unreality a chemical imbalance in my brain dragged me into. Depression is a disease and I will argue with anyone who tries to tell me differently. It is, fortunately, a treatable one, and I find myself back to being the “real” me these days. 2011 will be remembered by me as The Year Of Hell and occasionally I find myself feeling the fear in my chest that I’m going to wake up one day and my brain will have sunk back  into the mire and I’ll have to get pulled out again. It isn’t something that is going to happen, but to reiterate, late at night, while I’m trying to sleep, this fear has reign.

This isn’t the sort of thing that’s causing my life to skid to a stop though. It’s annoying to be sure. I don’t like feeling fear. And I don’t like to be scared. I’m always fascinated by people scared of things in fiction because I am usually able to rationalize it’s unrealistic nature and therefore diminish my own fear. I don’t watch Horror Films to get scared, I watch them for entertainment and to do research on the human condition (no seriously, I do.) But this stuff? The stuff that is keeping me up at night. It ultimately isn’t serious. Part of my agenda in writing this is to diminish the power that these fears try to exert on me. Because, as we have learned, the more you understand something, the less scary it is. “Familiarity breeds contempt” is not a concept  that I believe in uniformly, but it certainly does apply here. I will admit that not everything scary is defanged by understanding; after all, knowing all the ways a Xenomorph can kill you doesn’t make it less deadly and, by extension, less scary, but on the whole, fear’s greatest power over you is your ignorance surrounding it. Being formally diagnosed with depression was the turning point in my getting treated for it. From that moment on, things have gotten better.

I realize we have strayed slightly from the original topic, but that is just how my mind works. I like finding the links that bind the universe together. Sleep links to Insomnia which links to Fear which links to The Unknown which links to Curiosity which links to Understanding which links to Rational Thought which links to ETC. (Not to be confused with British New Wave band XTC.)

In my world, the ability to puts words to something is how I exert control in my life. Not over other people, but over myself and my perception of the world. Which is one fo the reasons why I write. Because if I can articulate something on the page, then it helps me understand it. And if I understand something, like the nature of my fear, it can’t control me. Because the only person allowed to drive this car is me. And if you try and touch the stereo, you can get out and walk.

Thanks for listening.

Now We Can Begin

In my experience, despite the advanced communication technology that makes our world run, people don’t really listen to each other very much. I find this fascinating and ultimately, deeply disturbing. In fact, it may sound incredibly cynical to say, but I am pretty sure that no one is listening.

Now, that is an extremely exaggerated generalist statement. But I phrase it as such to illustrate the level of concern I feel about this as an issue. We live in a world saturated with information, and with the ability to call that information to us at Lightspeed. We can have conversations with other people on the other side of the world, or even people IN SPACE. We all have personal phones, personal computers, phones that are computers and computers that can work like phones, or better yet, the view screen from Star Trek. We have the ability to talk to anybody, anywhere at anytime with zero delay and total clarity. And yet I think that we are even more disconnected from each other than ever before.

In the modern age, people want more than anything to be right. They want to be right to the point of completely disregarding other people’s opinions if they do not line up perfectly with theirs. You see this played out on smaller scales, as disagreements between people in the pub, the shop or at the bus stop about things like sports, books, movies and music. You see it on a much larger scale when you watch any news coverage of the political machine. It amazes me when anything gets done on a political level given the amount of fervent opposition to the simple idea of listening to other people and trying to reach a compromise. And this is not a trait found solely in one party or another, all sides could benefit from listening and understanding. But because everyone needs to be right, all of the time, that doesn’t happen very much. If at all.

“Everyone has an opinion and most of them are terrible.” This is something a good friend of mine said to me recently and I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. Which proves that I am not much different than anybody else, if I am different at all. There are plenty of people who I don’t listen to because I think, honestly, that they have nothing interesting to say and that nothing they come up with could change that fact. I haven’t been attempting to illustrate this point to prove I am superior, I’m really not. No. I have been illustrating this point because I want to make it clear why we’re here.

We’re here because I no longer care whether or not anyone is really listening to me.

I am a small fry in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn’t change my desire to be heard, or even more deep-seated, to express myself. I realize that sounds… Well, it sounds stupid quite frankly. I’ve always hated the term “express yourself.” It just sounds so pretentiously hippie-dippy and… Whimsical… And if there is one combination of things I dislike in person, it’s pretentious-hippie-dippy-whimsicality. Granted there are other, more obnoxious qualities a person can have to make them even more repugnant, but that combo is pretty bad. Regardless. I have a desire… No, stronger than that:

A NEED.

A need to talk, theorize, analyze, critique, discuss, ramble, rant, rave, philosophize, babble, banter, debate, dissent, proclaim, exclaim, elephant talk…

ELEPHANT TALK!

And that is what this blog is for. There is no purpose, no agenda, besides being a platform for me to talk and expound upon whatever comes into my head. Now, that does not mean that everything that comes into my head will wind up here. After all, the less the world knows about the imperial design of the great and terrible heathen god Grissecon, the better. The beauty of the internet is the ability to talk to everybody and nobody all at the same time. And while I’m sure some people care whether or not they have listeners and followers, I really don’t. My writing style is conversational, like I’m talking to a few people right in front of me, rather than talking to some gigantic abstract “audience” in my head. Another good friend of mine described the feeling of freedom that came from writing on the internet, a public medium, but being assured of the notion that no one was really paying attention. In the same way, no one may ever even see this post. And I admit, that would be kind of lame, but ultimately, I do my best writing when I am speaking publicly, so having a blog will hopefully inspire better work than the stuff that just sits in my desk drawer, collecting dust.

Ultimately, I am an optimist, so if you have decided to read this, I thank you for giving me a few minutes of your busy day. It means a lot. If you like what you read, feel free to pass it on, comment, discuss, hell, you can even attempt to argue with me if you want, though few have succeeded in that venture. In a world with very few truths and an overwhelming ocean of subjective points of view, I offer what I have to say as just another one of those:

A Subjective Point Of View.

And that’s that.

Now.